LGBT YA BOOK CLUB YAY: Girl Walking Backwards

Here we have the first book in this summer's one-woman LGBT YA reading mission. (Such an acronym-heavy genre, I love it.)

Girl Walking Backwards

by Bett Williams

Sometimes I forget how totally intense Young Adult fiction can be, subject matter-wise. I just finished The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides, which is by all accounts a book for grown-ups, but it didn't have half the 'adult' themes that Girl Walking Backwards has. If I were to sum up the story of The Marriage Plot, I would say it was about one fairly average woman and two men who become steadily less suitable for her. I mean, it had a little sex and some mental illness, but it was basically tame. Girl Walking Backwards has drugs, alcohol, self-harming, masturbation, sexual abuse, divorce, satanism, sex and mental illness. I don't know how the kids can handle it.

I would totally recommend Girl Walking Backwards, though. It's about a girl living in Santa Barbara, CA, trying to cope with a mother who is basically in a self-help cult, an awol father, and falling in love with a damaged goth girl. The protagonist is very likeable, and if occasionally the prose wanders into teen melodrama territory it does at least feel authentic. Plus, as mentioned above, a tonn of exciting stuff happens.

Trailer Feminism Fail

Today we are going to run some experiments. First thing: I love movies, and I also looove watching movie trailers. They are like the most exciting and tantalizing bits of a movie, and they allow me to feel excited about all the fun things there are to watch, before my almost inevitable disappointment.

This afternoon I'm going to catch up on all the new movie trailers, but while I do it I'm going to run a test. Namely, The Bechdel Test.

For those of you that don't know, to pass the Bechdel Test a movie has to:

a. have more than one woman in it;

b. who talk to each other;

c. about something other than a man.

Seems pretty straightforward, right? But you'd be surprised how many movies don't pass it. You know, considering that women are 50% of the population and all, and tend to have fully rounded personalities and stuff in their brains other than men and the needs of men, and movies are supposed to be about life. Movies get a pass on the test if they're something like a WW2 movie set on a submarine.

Ok let's go! Which upcoming movie trailers pass the test?

The Amazing Spider-Man: Nope.

Paranormal Activity 3: Yes! Two small girls are talking to each other about ghosts.

The Dark Knight Rises: Nope.

Haywire: Nope! This is like one woman and 15 guys. At least she beats the shit out of most of them.

Captain America: The First Avenger: Does not pass. Neither did the movie as a whole.

Dream House: Nope.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1: Nope. Not to mention Twilight's other feminism fails.

Friends With Benefits: Nope. But I'm hoping the movie itself passes, because I want to see it.

Cowboys and Aliens: Nope.

Horrible Bosses: Nope. And only one female character.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2: Nope. Although I expect the movie as a whole passes the test.

The Thing: Yes! One exchange between the two women about the monster.

Sherlock Holmes - A Game of Shadows: Nope.

Crazy, Stupid, Love: Nope. But the movie itself passes.

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol: Nope. But one lady punched another lady in the face, maybe that bodes well for a meaningful interaction. Also, I hate Tom Cruise.

Drive: Nope.

The Sitter: Nope.

In Time: Nope.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy: Nope. Total period drama sausage fest.

The Darkest Hour: Nope. I hope that Olivia Thirlby gets some lines in the movie.

The Ides of March: Nope.

Like Crazy: Nope. But this is just a boy and a girl in lurve talking to each other.

Red Tails: No - but it's about WW2 fighter pilots.

Tower Heist: Nope.

Killer Elite: Nope.

Margin Call: Nope. Boo hoo, I feel so sorry for all you Wall Street boys who accidentally caused the financial crash by waving your penises around.

Bridesmaids: Yes! This wins so hard! It wasn't even on the list, I just had to watch it to make myself feel better.

John Carter: Nope.

Battleship: Nope. Oh no! Some Transformers got onto my board game! Better fire some phallic torpedoes at them.

Contagion: Nope.

Jack and Jill: Nope - I'm not counting it if it's Adam Sandler dressed as a woman.

Footloose: Nope.

Puss in Boots: Nope.

A Good Old-Fashioned Orgy: You know, I think that was a yes! Maybe one line.

The Three Musketeers: Nope. Also, I thought this had some lesbian action in it, but in fact D'Artagnan just looks very girly.

The Devil's Double: Nope.

Attack the Block: Nope.

The Whistleblower: Yes! This passes the test so hard! Right on, Rachel Weisz.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Nope.

The Help: Yep.

The Change-Up: Nope.

The Future: Yes! This passes! Indie movies always do better than mainstream.

So by my count that's 35 movies that do not pass the test, and 6 that do. Seems pretty clear to me.

Ok, so I know that trailers are very short, and that many of these movies may pass the test when you get to see the full hour and a half. But think about it: trailers are designed to be a snapshot of the full movie, and if the trailer doesn't have any decent female characters, then the movie probably won't either. Also: a trailer has, what, between 5 and 20 exchanges? And if all of them are between men and discussing the hero's struggle, or maybe only one of them is a lady saying anything, then you know you're in trouble.

Ugh. So disappointing. The male characters get to talk about politics, aliens, heists, make jokes, help each other out, and yes, talk about ladies. Women show up in trailers to remind the audience that there will be boobs present. Or they say something about how awesome the hero is. Or they are shown in tears to show this is a movie where serious things happen. Or they are rescued. They don't get to be friends with other women, or talk about their careers, and they only ever talk to each other about whatever guy they are in love with. Thank god for Bridesmaids. Thank god for having a monster to talk to your fellow women about.

"What is this bullshit?"

QUICK!! NEW STUDY!!!!!

So today, in the spirit of sociological research, we are going to test a lady-related theory. The theory, which is not a new one, goes like this:

"Hey girl," (this only works for girls) "you remember that Charlie's Angels movie?" (Either the 2000 movie or the 2003 sequel, 'Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.) "Who was your favourite Charlie's Angel?"

If they answer Cameron Diaz, then they are probably straight, if they say Lucy Liu they are bisexual, and if they answer Drew Barrymore they are a massive lesbian!

Ha ha ha ha ha! We are having the best time! Wetsuits and Cameron Diaz's sideboob are so funny!

There we go, that is the theory. Like I said, we came up with this theory ages ago, especially since Charlie's Angels is now 11 years old (!!). I totally swear by it though, especially since Drew Barrymore is my favourite, and I am a big old lez.

Anyway, I was in the pub the other day with some fellows, and for some reason The Charlie's Angels Theory came up. Then, because I was a bit squiffy, it seemed like a good idea to spam everyone in my phone book with The Question, in order to test out The Theory. I am sorry to say that many of my friends are too young to be into that movie, which made me feel old. Still, I got some results, which I will now share with you. Does anyone know how to make pie charts on this Blogger thing?

WTF? Does anyone remember this scene from the movies? You know, I am not exactly in the CIA, but I'm pretty sure this is not what spy business looks like.

TEST SUBJECT 1
Lady one is straight, but chose Lucy Liu as her favourite. However, she hangs out with lesbians all day long and this may have rubbed off on her. So I will call this:
RESULT: Inconclusive.

TEST SUBJECT 2
Gal 2 is straight, but likes Lucy Liu.
RESULT: Does not support the theory.

TEST SUBJECT 3
Lady 3 is also straight, and likes Drew Barrymore.
RESULT: Does not support the theory.

TEST SUBJECT 4
Woman 4, likes girls, says she cannot remember the characters (making me feel old) but would pick Drew.
RESULT: Confirms theory!

TEST SUBJECT 5
Woman 5 dates men, yet picks Drew Barrymore - "duh!!!"
RESULT: Does not support the theory.
HOWEVER: Subject later says that she is having a gay kind of a day, thus rendering her result INCONCLUSIVE.

TEST SUBJECT 6
Girl 6 is a gaymo, and asserts: "I'd do all of them, but I'd hang out with Drew the most."
RESULT: Confirms theory.

TEST SUBJECT 7
Lady 7 is bi-ish, and picks Lucy Liu.
RESULT: Confirmation of theory.

TEST SUBJECT 8
Girl 8 is bisexual, yet picks Drew Barrymore.
RESULT: Does not support theory.

TEST SUBJECT 9
Woman 9 is a massive homo, yet picks Lucy Liu.
RESULT: Does not support the theory.

TEST SUBJECT 10
Woman 10 is bi-ish, yet picks Drew, followed by Lucy.
RESULT: Inconclusive?

TEST SUBJECT 11
Girl 11 is homosexual, says it is between Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu. Further comments: "I have a huge crush on Drew and Lucy is just super attractive."
RESULT: Supports theory? "Huge crush" seems to indicate that Drew has the edge.

TEST SUBJECT 12
Lass 12 is bisexual, and likes Lucy Liu the best.
RESULT: Supports the theory.

TEST SUBJECT 13
Woman 13 is myself. I am not sure if it is ethical to include oneself in a sociological study, but I was at the pub during the period of the study so it counts. As previously mentioned, I like Drew Barrymore the best.
RESULT: Supports theory.

Kinky. This is what every lady's ideal Saturday night looks like. Except not in a field, and Cameron Diaz has to go out for snacks instead of joining in.

OVERALL RESULTS:
By my count, that makes:
6 results that SUPPORT THE THEORY.
4 results that DO NOT SUPPORT THE THEORY.
3 results that I have deemed INCONCLUSIVE.

SUPPLEMENTAL RESULTS:
8 ladies preferred DREW BARRYMORE.
5 ladies preferred LUCY LIU.

OVERALL CONCLUSION:

The theory is PROVEN. I am ALWAYS RIGHT.

NOBODY likes CAMERON DIAZ. Sorry, Cameron Diaz.



BONUS STUDY!!!

On the same occasion at the pub, I decided to test out another theory that I have:

THEORY: Maker's Mark is the whisky of choice for lesbians.

I drink it all the time, so I think this must be true. Once again I texted a selection of people in my phone book, this time self-identified homos only. I received a smaller number of results, but I think it still counts.

Some lesbians doing something weird to some Maker's Mark.

RESULTS:

4 out of 4 lesbians prefer Maker's Mark.

One lady added: "FOSHO. THAT IS A TRUTH FACT". Her emphatic response counts double, in my opinion.


Please communicate your own Charlie's Angels/ Maker's Mark preference to me if you wish, and I will add your response to the results, thus enriching my highly scientific study. Thank you.

Mountaineeress

Another vintage postcard from Daddy-O.


She's pretty hardy-looking, ha? Even though those are fake mountains. All dressed up, and nowhere to go but some 2D mountains. Dad has been clued into the fact that he is Susie's-blog-famous, as you can see.



It sez:

K...a models the latest Gor-tex hiking range in preparation for her next ascent of Mt. Shasta. (Thinks: 'Will this get me into Susie's blog?')

Yes Dad, it will.

Warrior Maiden

My Dad recently sent me this totally spiffy vintage postcard through the post. I love it! It has been my bookmark since it arrived, and never fails to raise a smile. She looks so lovable and gormless. She might be my inner spirit goddess when I want to make a stand and raise hell but unfortunately feel a bit tired.

As usual my Pops wrote something hilarious and endearing on the back, too.


In case you can't read that, it says:

Catch that date! (1/1/11) Same in American as in British too! This photo of the latest U.S. military equipment for invading Denmark is dedicated to the 'Don't ask, don't tell' campaigners. First in a series of meaningful postcards. Love Dad xxx

Bless! My Dad is the best correspondent for a daughter overseas.

A Few Life Notes

Went to see Tegan & Sara play in town. They were amazing! It was a purely enjoyable concert, and the fact that all of the lesbians in Portland were there didn't hurt either. The venue was seated, which I am not used to, but I discovered that all that means is that you can sit and chill when the support is playing, and then move to the front and stand for the main act. This is the second time I have seen Tegan & Sara. The first time I saw them was a few years ago at the Cockpit in Leeds (yes, it's really called the Cockpit). I went with my friends Nick and Cat, and I neglected to tell each of them where we were going, who the band were, and the fact that the other person was coming. My friends put up with a lot of misinformation.

Had some crescent rolls the other night - they are weird. For those who do not know what crescent rolls are, they are a bastardised American version of croissants, they come in a tube, you twist the tube around the middle and the dough bursts out in a disturbing fashion, and then the dough is pre-cut into rolled up triangles, which you roll into a semblance of a croissant. See, WEIRD. But good. Mmm, fake buttery dough.

I've been drinking a lot of Sessions lager lately. It is cheap, and tastes better than PBR. Sorry, I appreciate PBR for a lot of reasons, but taste is not necessarily one of them.



I am working on a new zine! Well, I keep telling people that, but I haven't actually done any work on it myself. But our fine contributors have been sending in articles. So they have done some work. It's going to be sweet though, just you wait.

Did you ever play MASH when in High School? Not sure I can remember back that far, but ANYWAY, we played it last week and here are my results: I am married to Queen Victoria, my car is an aircraft carrier, I have 5,280 kids, my pets are hookworms, my occupation is space cowboy, I live in The Shire, and my major vice is an unfulfillable centaur porn fetish.

Lesbian Romance Tuesday

Fabulous new Chanel ad that I thought we might all enjoy looking at.

Karl Lagerfeld, 2009

It apparently references the famous love affair between famous historical lady-lovers Violet Trefusis and Vita Sackville-West, which is nice.

TV, WTF?!

Hmm, what televisual delights await us this fall/autumn?

Flashforward, NBC

Men: 6
Women: 3

Trauma, NBC

Men: 4
Women: 2

Stargate Universe, SYFY

Men: 6
Women: 3

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, FX

Men: 4
Women: 1

Heroes, NBC

Men: 7
Women: 3

Fringe, Syfy

Men: 5
Women: 3

Let's review, shall we? Percentage of women in human population:

50%

Percentage of women in the casts of this fairly arbitrary choice of 6 television shows:

32%

I am sensing a disconnect of some kind here.

Heck, maybe if they include more than three women in the casts of these shows everyone will die of estrogen poisoning...

500 Days of Hawtness

So I saw (500) Days of Summer a week ago, and it's a really fantastic movie. I mean, I knew I was going to like it, since it has two of my favourite indie actors in it, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel, and since I like this sort of movie. But I was not disappointed. It was inventive and thoughtful and funny and well-designed and cute. Just like these two:

Equally cute in real life:

The movie really intensified the straight-on I have for Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I really like him as an actor; he's just plain good at what he does, and has a lot of charisma. He also carefully chooses his movies, although I heard he was in G.I. Joe which is plain bizarre. But god, he is a good-looking man. Also dresses really well, in real life and movies. But his wardrobe in (500) Days of Summer was the epitome of sharp hipster smart-casual - I kind of wished I could wear his clothes, in between contemplating my straight-on for the guy. Behold the pretty:





Here are a couple of Joseph in Brick, which is one of my top ten all time fave movies, you should see it.

Here he is making smoking look cool:

Despite my extreme man-crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I also still have massive love for Zooey Deschanel. I mean, who wouldn't? Look how totally adorable she is!!


Finally, in case anyone was worrying that my affections have strayed, here is another photo of Chuck Bass.


Oh yes, and I am in America having a very nice time. I will probably write about that some time soon.

Equally Cute

CUUUUUTE.

So I feel terrible about putting a poll up on my blog asking who is cuter, Tegan or Sara. What a terrible thing to do. I mean, obviously they are both awesome and so is their music, I guess I was envisioning some kind of desert island situation?

Well, you all agree with me, because everyone voted for "Abstain so as not to create a rift between the two". You are good people.



In further T&S news, they just released the album artwork and track listing for their new album Sainthood on their website. I have to say, I am not so keen on the front cover, below. It just looks like Tegan has a big balloon head. It's weird. Oh well, I am excited to hear it anyway. I will just not look at the cover.

Sainthood - good album cover or bad album cover?

anyone can happen

Loathe as I am to step on the robot blog fun, I think we all need to admire this piece of newly-released Dollhouse artwork.


Look, it has hottie Eliza Dushku, and fancy typography!! Everyone knows this is what the future will look like: lower-case letters scattered about willy-nilly, clean black-on-white spaces, and leather pants. It's like you're living inside a sexy ipod, and Eliza Dushku is there. Let's all take a moment to think about that.

Babe Ruthless

So this is the thing I am now most excited about in my life:




Whip It! looks amazing. Take the alluring and intriguing world of all-girl roller derby, throw in Drew Barrymore acting and directing, an all-round awesome cast, and Ellen Page in the lead being cute as a button, and you have a recipe for sexy funtimes. This movie has been on the radar of fabulousness for a while now, and now that the trailer has arrived it doesn't disappoint. I hope the movie lives up to all of the personal hype I have created in my brain.

Trailer bonus points for Ellen's dorky glasses, the roller derby nicknames, Maeby from Arrested Development in the best buddy role, Drew's laugh, the DIY feminist ethos, gratuitous elbow violence, usage of Weezer and Boys Wanna Be Her by Peaches.

P.S. Kaia you are totally going to owe me five bucks. You know why.

My loud guitar comes in, my thumpin' drums come through

CUUUTE!!

I can't think of anything to post about this evening. It's been a long week at work, I'm tired and my brain has gone to mush. So the thing to do is look at some cute pictures of Tegan and Sara.

Note the adorability factor! Behold the lesbian hair! Imagine all the awesome pop punk being created in this studio! Try to guess who is Tegan and who is Sara (easy peasy). Spot the tattoos! Drown in a joyous sea of plaid!

These photos can all be seen on Tegan and Sara's fancy website. The photographer was Lindsay Byrnes.

P.S. Don't forget to vote in the poll to the right so we can see who we think is cuter, Tegan or Sara. You will also notice a third option at the request of my fairminded girlfriend who thinks judgement of this sort is cruel. Sigh. Bloody Americans.

There's a Rose in my VaJayJay For You

What is a fun thing to do with your buddies on a Saturday night? Yes that's right, it is drinking Dr.Pepper and vodka, eating Tangfastics and Pringles, and playing a Tipping the Velvet drinking game. Here are our rules:


Drink for vaginal imagery, i.e. oysters

Kitty throws the rose

Drink at antiquated Victorian sexual swearwords.

Boobies

Rachael Stirling (Nan) does terrible, terrible overacting

Appearance of antique dildo

"Whitstable"

Sarah Waters in the credits

Moment of melodramatic emotional crisis

Sexy smoking

Deep voice while unconvincingly passing as a boy

Music-hall style montage of Victorian doings

GAY.

If you hear "Oh Kitty!", down your drink



I recommend this as a fun activity. Ah, Tipping the Velvet. (Wahey!) Enjoy the hottness of Keely Hawes and Jodhi May, and put up with the ridiculous over-acting of Rachael Stirling because she is also hot when in drag.

Lesbian Subtext Monday

I haven't posted for a while, so as a reward for your infinite patience, dear readers, here's a bunch of vaguely lesbian subtext-y Wonder Woman clips, courtesy of Superdickery. I have to admit, I had no idea Wonder Woman had such a bondage fetish. Isn't she supposed to have super-strength? How come she's always getting tied up? And then saying "Suffering Sappho!" Which I will say more often in my everyday life from now on. Enjoy:

Playing binding games on Paradise Island! If only we were all so lucky, ladies.

"DC Comics aren't just for kids!" Indeed. That is a cluttered boudoir, by the way. Dominatrix lady needs to hoover up all those bugs and skulls and symbols.

Ok, anything with the word "mistress" in it...

They seem to be hanging off the guy's moustache.

"Obedience to loving authority"? Is that kinky, or evidence that Paradise Island has some kind of totalitarian regime?

Plenty of WW to go around, girls.

Wonder Woman has changed into the classic clinging white robe riding up at the thigh, suitable for bosom-heaving captured damsels.

(You should totally check out Superdickery, by the way. Their captions are funnier than mine, for a start.)