12 Points

The culturally astute amongst you will know that last night was the Eurovision Song Contest. This is one of the most fascinating, glittering, wondrous occasions of the year, and my housies and I gathered to watch it with pizza and a goodly amount of drinks. To help the evening along we had some EUROVISION DRINKING RULES, which I will include here for your future Eurovision edification. Some I got from the internet, some I made up, some seemed like they needed to be included as we went along.


HOSTS

The hosts sing
The hosts speak in rhyme
The hosts change their outfits
The hosts engage in painful comedy that flops completely

PERFORMANCES

Performer clenches fist with eyes closed
Performer falls to floor with emotion
Native instruments/costumes/dance
Politics/religion
Rap
Magic
Outfits ripped away
Prominent nipples
The song goes up in the last refrain
SINGING OFF KEY
An elderly person is on stage
Excessive feathers on outfit
Performer is wearing a jaunty hat/moustache
Fireworks/ribbons/candles/masks
PUPPETS – drain glass!

VOTING

Local correspondent seems drunk or disorientated
Drink for every England nil point
BLOC VOTING
People like Ireland
Interrupting
Computer visualization is a bit weird
You find that the voting is boring you

GENERAL

Short subtitle, lots of words being said/sung
Graham is bitchy about an outfit
GAY.
Colour scheme that makes your eyes bleed
Hideous open shirt/visible chest
Wink at camera
Team is clearly already drunk in the Green Room

OVERALL RULE: Drink if you would tap that.


We were a bit disappointed that Norway won, since the song was very forgettable and they seemed mostly to have won because the lead singer was cute in a teenage Pop Idol kind of way. Our pick was Germany, for the shiny silver tight pants of the lead singer, the surprising appearance of Dita Von Teese, and the general extreme gayness. Portugal was sweetly catchy, Estonia were foxy, Moldova were hyperactively awesome. Britain had a pretty goddamned awful song by Andrew Lloyd Webber (the Webber-toad was even on stage), and yet we came fifth, our best result in years! Go figure.

By the way, if you were watching, correlate the events of the night with these drinking rules and you will be able to have some idea of how drunk we got. (P.S. The answer is VERY.)